Before we begin, there is one universal fact about Singaporeans that has to be established: Singaporeans hate to lose. No matter what, the Singaporean has to be first across the line in the race ahead of the neighbour's kid, or the one who fishes out the monster drumstick from the greasy bucket of solidified cholesterol known as the KFC variety bucket. This phenomenon is so widespread that there is a specific term for this type of behaviour. We call it 'kiasuism'.
A quick vocab lesson: 'kiasu' is a word from the Hokkien dialect which means 'fear of losing'. This mentality is what has defined the country and influenced a whole generation of Singaporeans. Ask any Singaporean child and they'll be able to tell you stories about the various kiasu moments in their lives: that time their parents made them take extra tuition classes so they can get half a mark more than the neighbour's kid and get into a better school than him, that time their parents took turns queuing up all night for those Hello Kitty toys they were selling at McDonalds.
What??!!
Yes, you heard me. For a set of these:
Singaporeans did this:
Those queues were not just a bunch of kiasu idiots standing in line. It was a freaking shanty town complete with sleeping bags and those chairs that you often see the director of a movie sit in. Not only is the act of getting in line early kiasu, one also has to do it in style and with maximum comfort. Lesson: acts of kiasuism are not necessarily always mutually exclusive.
Another place to see the kiasu Singaporean at their finest is at a buffet. To the general public, a buffet is a smorgasbord of food which gives you the freedom of choosing how much and what you would like to eat. To the Singaporean, the buffet is a place to eat as much as possible, sample everything on offer and still have space to request for that complimentary cocktail/dessert offer which enticed them into the restaurant in the first place. That pretty much means piling your plate full of the expensive shit during the first round (ie. smoked salmon, oysters, etc.) because there might be none left over on your second. After sampling the good stuff, you can either repeat the process on the same food items if you wish, or move on to the less expensive shit. So at the end of the day, you got your good expensive shit and your complimentary offer, so everyone wins!
Singaporeans pride themselves on their ability to always get one foot in the door, especially at the last minute. Take this situation for example: while on their way to a busy restaurant with a group of their equally kiasu friends, a horrible thought strikes them: there might not be enough room for them in the restaurant! The ever-resourceful kiasu Singaporean then comes up with an equally ingenious solution: they'll ring up the and book. And that was exactly what he did. The conversation went a little like this:
Waiter: Hi, how can I help you?
Singaporean: HARLOOH? Can I book a table for 8 people under the name Cheng please?
Waiter: Umm...at what time?
Singaporean: In 10 minutes?
Waiter: (Looks at packed restaurant) Umm sir? That's...not exactly a booking...and we're kinda full at the moment. Look, there's no real point in making a booking. Why don't you just come in and wait for the next available table?
Singaporean: OK. Taaanks! (hangs up)
Two minutes later, the Singaporean bursts into the restaurant.
Singaporean: Excuse me, I had a booking under the name of Cheng for 8 people?
Cue indignation when the waiter tells them that there is absolutely no room at the moment and they have to wait for at least half an hour."But I orredi booked leh!" he says. "How come still have to wait?" (Translation: But I've already booked! Why do we still need to wait?)
Singaporeans, and the nation and culture of Singapore are powered by this simple little mentality which is unique, but can also be amusing and embarrassing. Most of the Singaporean's favourite things always has its roots in kiasuism, but that's a story for another day. Stay tuned to find out more about the things Singaporeans like.
A quick vocab lesson: 'kiasu' is a word from the Hokkien dialect which means 'fear of losing'. This mentality is what has defined the country and influenced a whole generation of Singaporeans. Ask any Singaporean child and they'll be able to tell you stories about the various kiasu moments in their lives: that time their parents made them take extra tuition classes so they can get half a mark more than the neighbour's kid and get into a better school than him, that time their parents took turns queuing up all night for those Hello Kitty toys they were selling at McDonalds.
What??!!
Yes, you heard me. For a set of these:
 | ||
| Wedding edition Hello Kitty and Dear Daniel dolls |
Singaporeans did this:
 | |||
| Queuing: the only universal sport enjoyed by the young and the old in Singapore |
Those queues were not just a bunch of kiasu idiots standing in line. It was a freaking shanty town complete with sleeping bags and those chairs that you often see the director of a movie sit in. Not only is the act of getting in line early kiasu, one also has to do it in style and with maximum comfort. Lesson: acts of kiasuism are not necessarily always mutually exclusive.
Another place to see the kiasu Singaporean at their finest is at a buffet. To the general public, a buffet is a smorgasbord of food which gives you the freedom of choosing how much and what you would like to eat. To the Singaporean, the buffet is a place to eat as much as possible, sample everything on offer and still have space to request for that complimentary cocktail/dessert offer which enticed them into the restaurant in the first place. That pretty much means piling your plate full of the expensive shit during the first round (ie. smoked salmon, oysters, etc.) because there might be none left over on your second. After sampling the good stuff, you can either repeat the process on the same food items if you wish, or move on to the less expensive shit. So at the end of the day, you got your good expensive shit and your complimentary offer, so everyone wins!
Singaporeans pride themselves on their ability to always get one foot in the door, especially at the last minute. Take this situation for example: while on their way to a busy restaurant with a group of their equally kiasu friends, a horrible thought strikes them: there might not be enough room for them in the restaurant! The ever-resourceful kiasu Singaporean then comes up with an equally ingenious solution: they'll ring up the and book. And that was exactly what he did. The conversation went a little like this:
Waiter: Hi, how can I help you?
Singaporean: HARLOOH? Can I book a table for 8 people under the name Cheng please?
Waiter: Umm...at what time?
Singaporean: In 10 minutes?
Waiter: (Looks at packed restaurant) Umm sir? That's...not exactly a booking...and we're kinda full at the moment. Look, there's no real point in making a booking. Why don't you just come in and wait for the next available table?
Singaporean: OK. Taaanks! (hangs up)
Two minutes later, the Singaporean bursts into the restaurant.
Singaporean: Excuse me, I had a booking under the name of Cheng for 8 people?
 | |||
| Hello? I would like a reservation for right now? |
Cue indignation when the waiter tells them that there is absolutely no room at the moment and they have to wait for at least half an hour."But I orredi booked leh!" he says. "How come still have to wait?" (Translation: But I've already booked! Why do we still need to wait?)
Singaporeans, and the nation and culture of Singapore are powered by this simple little mentality which is unique, but can also be amusing and embarrassing. Most of the Singaporean's favourite things always has its roots in kiasuism, but that's a story for another day. Stay tuned to find out more about the things Singaporeans like.
#2 Tissues
I'm not sure how that happened, but Singaporeans can be quite a resourceful lot. First it was the issue about not having enough water and the subsequent blow up the Singaporean government had with the Malaysian government when negotiations for water transportation didn't go smoothly. Singapore soon became sick of having its balls squeezed by Malaysia and came up with an ingenious solution: recycled water. And thus the NEWater plant was born. (Malaysians still had a field day with that too, running headline after headline on 'Singaporeans drinking their own pee'. But that's not true. I think.)
But what truly defines the Singaporean's resourcefulness is not any ambitious machine or life-changing scheme. It comes in the form of the humble packet of tissue paper.
These tissues come in handy packets, often with decorated with cute, colourful images. They sell at about 10 cents a pack and many housewives can be seen buying them in bulk at the local supermarket. They may look like an innocent artistic tissue-filled canvas, but be warned, looks can be deceiving.
In Singapore, tissues are not just snot-catching, stain-removing devices. They serve a noble, greater purpose: reserving tables.
As stupid and as absurd as that might sound, allow me to explain. At the local hawker centre or coffee shop, there is no fixed sitting. It is a free for all scramble/battle to the death for any available tables and seats. So when the Singaporean finds a table and wants to chope (translation: to reserve) it, their kiasu instincts tell them to place an item which belongs to them on the table, therefore claiming it as their own. Just like how some wild animals leave their droppings to mark their territory, the Singaporean often mark their territory with something worthless of their own as well. Not usually something expensive like their Goochi handbag or a week's worth of discounted groceries, but something that is of less importance to them, something which can be easily replaceable should it not survive the reservation mission. That item in question, is often a packet of tissues. And it usually looks a little like this:
And for those of you who are foolish enough to disregard that system, may God have mercy on your soul. Losing a table which you had choped is a disgrace, an embarrassment, a blow to your manhood/ego. Fights and heated arguments have been known to happen thanks to some moron who failed to spot the obvious evidence of choping. Honestly, I think the chope-er is at fault here. If you want to chope, you might as well chope in style.
Of course, there are no fixed rules which dictate what you can use to chope your tables. Umbrellas, name tags and or even disposable chopsticks will do. However the packet of tissues remains the number one weapon of choice for the resourceful Singaporean. I mean, who wouldn't love something that can defend your honour and wipe your arse at the same time?
So mark my words, when spotting a packet of tissues sitting inconspicuously and innocently on a table, approach with caution! The wisest decision is of course, to fall back lest the kiasu Singaporean spots you in its territory and attacks.
But what truly defines the Singaporean's resourcefulness is not any ambitious machine or life-changing scheme. It comes in the form of the humble packet of tissue paper.
 | ||||||
| No, I haven't seen Motive Inc. either |
In Singapore, tissues are not just snot-catching, stain-removing devices. They serve a noble, greater purpose: reserving tables.
As stupid and as absurd as that might sound, allow me to explain. At the local hawker centre or coffee shop, there is no fixed sitting. It is a free for all scramble/battle to the death for any available tables and seats. So when the Singaporean finds a table and wants to chope (translation: to reserve) it, their kiasu instincts tell them to place an item which belongs to them on the table, therefore claiming it as their own. Just like how some wild animals leave their droppings to mark their territory, the Singaporean often mark their territory with something worthless of their own as well. Not usually something expensive like their Goochi handbag or a week's worth of discounted groceries, but something that is of less importance to them, something which can be easily replaceable should it not survive the reservation mission. That item in question, is often a packet of tissues. And it usually looks a little like this:
 | ||||||||||
| Why you sit at my table? You din see my tissues there ah? |
And for those of you who are foolish enough to disregard that system, may God have mercy on your soul. Losing a table which you had choped is a disgrace, an embarrassment, a blow to your manhood/ego. Fights and heated arguments have been known to happen thanks to some moron who failed to spot the obvious evidence of choping. Honestly, I think the chope-er is at fault here. If you want to chope, you might as well chope in style.
 | ||||
| Steady ah! Liddat also can ah? |
Of course, there are no fixed rules which dictate what you can use to chope your tables. Umbrellas, name tags and or even disposable chopsticks will do. However the packet of tissues remains the number one weapon of choice for the resourceful Singaporean. I mean, who wouldn't love something that can defend your honour and wipe your arse at the same time?
So mark my words, when spotting a packet of tissues sitting inconspicuously and innocently on a table, approach with caution! The wisest decision is of course, to fall back lest the kiasu Singaporean spots you in its territory and attacks.
#3 Complaining
Complaining. We all do it, after a bad day at work where you spill coffee on your laptop or on a customer you're supposed to be serving, or after a crappy day at school where you didn't make the soccer 'A' team. I honestly think that it's therapeutic to let it all out and just, have a whinge. But maybe that's just the Singaporean in me. Why? Because Singaporeans LOVE to complain.
Singaporeans complain about anything and everything. From the weather, public transport, the neighbours to the government and the immoral state of the country. Singapore has often been criticized for its censorship policies and its strong stance on freedom of speech, which is probably the reason why society now has to put up with the complaining Singaporean. Singaporeans know that they are unable to write point of view letters criticizing the government to the tabloids so they just air their opinion to those who would listen, usually family and friends.
Ok so Singaporeans are good at having a whinge, but that's not the best bit. Singaporeans only seek to complain, and nothing more. To be more exact, they want to be heard because it makes them think that their opinion is valued. They do not usually seek any kind of resolution to their problems. Not happy with the government? I'll tell my wife and kids! Sick of that new teacher? I'll whinge to my classmates! Singaporeans love giving their opinion, regardless of how relevant it is so if you're wondering why that stupid Singaporean exchange student never shuts up during sharing time in class, here's your answer.
Besides the government, Singaporeans also love complaining about another subject: other people's behaviour. How much do they love doing it? The local newpaper has a website where normal everyday people post 'scandalous' photos of normal everyday people doing not-so-normal everyday things. Yes, society's standard has indeed plummeted. From spotting a young couple ignoring stares all around and canoodling in a not-so-private place to some burger-eating guy on a bus who was shock horror, occupying two seats (partly) due to his fat behind. I swear that I have not made it up and that this website and reports do indeed exist.
During my last trip to Singapore, a brilliant and dramatic showdown happened between my uncle, aunt and a Nosy Singaporean. This breed of Singaporeans are also known as kaypohs, meaning 'busy bodies/ nosy parkers'. My taxi driving uncle had turned into a handicapped spot to load up the luggage into the car (for argument's sake my aunt does have a disabled parking permit). The car was still running and it was only for a couple of quick minutes. Nosy Singaporean Man felt like it was his civic duty to tell us off for doing so. We told him we were only going to take a few minutes. He turns away and before you know it, he's gotten his mobile out and was taking a photo of us. My uncle and auntie flew into a rage. They stormed over and demanded that he delete the photo. He eventually did. How do we know? The photo never turned up on the newspaper site. Fact: the Singaporean wouldn't complain publicly when its cover has been blown. That's why old men wear power ranger masks on current affairs programs when they're telling everyone how much they hate the government.
So when a Singaporean complains, it can either be very entertaining or very annoying. Should their complaint be posted online, feel free to laugh at the absurdity or retch at the disgusting nature of their complaint (peeping at a couple having oral sex in their car anyone?). It does however, have an undesirable side effect: it gets pretty damn effing annoying when you hear it all the time.
Singaporeans complain about anything and everything. From the weather, public transport, the neighbours to the government and the immoral state of the country. Singapore has often been criticized for its censorship policies and its strong stance on freedom of speech, which is probably the reason why society now has to put up with the complaining Singaporean. Singaporeans know that they are unable to write point of view letters criticizing the government to the tabloids so they just air their opinion to those who would listen, usually family and friends.
Ok so Singaporeans are good at having a whinge, but that's not the best bit. Singaporeans only seek to complain, and nothing more. To be more exact, they want to be heard because it makes them think that their opinion is valued. They do not usually seek any kind of resolution to their problems. Not happy with the government? I'll tell my wife and kids! Sick of that new teacher? I'll whinge to my classmates! Singaporeans love giving their opinion, regardless of how relevant it is so if you're wondering why that stupid Singaporean exchange student never shuts up during sharing time in class, here's your answer.
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| Don't like what we do around here? That's a paddlin' |
During my last trip to Singapore, a brilliant and dramatic showdown happened between my uncle, aunt and a Nosy Singaporean. This breed of Singaporeans are also known as kaypohs, meaning 'busy bodies/ nosy parkers'. My taxi driving uncle had turned into a handicapped spot to load up the luggage into the car (for argument's sake my aunt does have a disabled parking permit). The car was still running and it was only for a couple of quick minutes. Nosy Singaporean Man felt like it was his civic duty to tell us off for doing so. We told him we were only going to take a few minutes. He turns away and before you know it, he's gotten his mobile out and was taking a photo of us. My uncle and auntie flew into a rage. They stormed over and demanded that he delete the photo. He eventually did. How do we know? The photo never turned up on the newspaper site. Fact: the Singaporean wouldn't complain publicly when its cover has been blown. That's why old men wear power ranger masks on current affairs programs when they're telling everyone how much they hate the government.
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| Power Rangers: protecting identities since 1993 |
